Just call me Balogna

My younger sister, Pam and me.

*sigh* Here is goes...

First, allow me to mention that I don't eat balogna.

Secondly, I fully understand now where the term sandwich generation came from.

I lost my father nearly 6 years ago. He died of pancreatic cancer. The bittersweet part of the story is that I got the call that he passed away and then just a few days later, I found out I was pregnant. Megan was then born on Dad's birthday (by my choice since she was an elective C-section).

This past week, my step-father (which I don't ever refer to him as that, I usually just call him Bill, or Mom's husband - and he is wonderful to her) was diagnosed with multiple cancers in his abdominal cavity. Mom had to call me to ask me what Palliative Care means. I could do a fancy wikipedia link, but the reality is that palliative care means comfort treatments without the intent to cure. Bill has lost 23 pounds in just under 2 weeks. Realisticly, I know we will be losing him soon.

This means that my mother, albeit she's only in her 50's, will be living alone. This wouldn't be an issue, however, in the past 2 months, Mom has had 4 TIAs. A TIA is a mini-stroke. We first realized Mom was having these mini-strokes when she was driving to go meet the other grandkids somewhere last month and she ended up having to pull over to the side of the road to call Bill to tell him she couldn't remember what she was doing and where she was going. Obviosly, Mom cannot live alone.

My husband has already decided that Mom will come live with us whenever she is ready. I can't help but feel incredibly selfish because I don't know if I can handle having one more child. I'm so overwhelmed as it is already with 3 kids.

I just needed to get it all out there so that I can try to clear my aching head. My little sister and I had a meeting today (while the kids all played under the supervision of some friends at Chuck E. Cheese) and the reality of it is that I am the only sister that could handle Mom living with me. I'm just tired of being the responsible one. I'm tired of being the middle-child peacemaker. Maybe I'm just tired....Maybe I'll go re-read Matthew 11:28.